Anyways, if you don’t laugh uncontrollably while watching this video – there is seriously something wrong with you! Hmmm… maybe there’s something wrong with me?

I’m still cracking up! Have a good laugh – watch it again!

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL . Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – AUSTIN ‘S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 – FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 – VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 – No Report

Do NOT swallow your bubble-gum!

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Gaaad, don’t ya just love this one! Another great forwarded find from my mom (thanx mom)!

And gee – it all felt so good, I bet if I hurry and schedule an appointment, I can probably squeeze in a colonoscapy by the end of the month!

Getting a mammogram (my first) isn’t bad if you don’t mind having your boobs wedged in between a pair of life-sized vice grips and then getting them squashed beyond all recognition, not to mention the cerebral palsy positions you have to stand in and “don’t move” while having them x-rayed.

The nurse with the frozen hands told me that she didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary on the digital screen. Oh, except that I may be called back if they need to push on some of the breast tissue in order to separate it.

What the hell does that mean? If that’s the case, I think I’ll just skip the medical formalities of getting my boobs smashed again by another “procedure” and just have my brother run them over with his truck.

Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother,

“Billy Brown showed me his willy today!”

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.”

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s mom asked, “Really small was it?”

Sally replied, “No…salty!”

- – - Source: my mom’s inbox (thanx mom!)

It was another  and  was

horny and looking to .

Just then, from the corner of  and

he saw Miss  throwing

 at him.

He ran over and in no time he pulled out his  and

began feeling her  with his .

“Hey, how’d you like to  on my

 ?” he asked.  Well, she did and was overcome with

!  Next, he went down on her . 

She started to  and moaned, ”

that feels so   – even better than the

, oh those beautiful  !”

She liked it rough and asked him if he was into .

He said, “Why don’t you just take my  and slip it into

your  so I can have my  ?”

Hey – I know that men are from  and women are from

Venus, but she soon became a little  … and nine

months later, out popped .

— The End —

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

“Mrs. Jones?, Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

“I don’t have any.” She replied, smiling sweetly.

“Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety eight.” she replied.

“Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down to the front and tell us all how a person can live ninety eight years and not have an enemy in the world?”

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, “I outlived the bitches.”

—Author: Unknown

Who Came First – The Chicken or The Egg?

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, ‘Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question..

If you need it explained – read it a second time.

— Author: Unknown

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who’s not a creep.

One who’s handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long.

One who thinks before he speaks.

One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he’s gainfully employed.

When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door.

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind.

Knows what to answer to ‘how big is my behind?’

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.

Author — Unknown

Man’s Love Poem:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with

huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,

and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This

doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.

Author — Unknown

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”

The old man replied, “It’s fart football.”

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, “Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.”

Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.”

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally he shits in the bed. The wife says, “What the hell was that?”

The old man says, “Half time, switch sides!”

— Author unknown